Nick Hockley, Pat Cummins, Mike Baird and Davey Warner
Q: Is there any truth to the rumour that Woolworths is to be the new sponsor of Cricket Australia?
MB: Yes, we are thrilled to be able to announce that Woolworths will be our next major sponsor. Since we got rid of those other fossil fuel emitting bastards, we have workshopped among the senior executive team (off site, of course) where we should go, around sponsorship, and we all agreed that Woolies would be a good fit. They align with our corporate values, of course. The voice, banning Invasion Day, and all the other woke stuff we have to spout. No, it’s a great fit. The Woolies cricket team. It will work, we all think. The Fresh Cricket People has a ring to it, n’est pas?
Q: What is David Warner doing here? Haven’t you retired?
NH: No, Davey is definitely part of our plans, going forward. We foresee him being our Roving Ambassador for goodwill among cricket nations. Going forward.
Q: What about his cheating in Sandpapergate? Isn’t that a problem?
NH: Nothing was proven. Anyway, they all do it. The Poms. The Pakis. The Safas, even. Davey is the face of Australian Cricket now. After all, he and his missus are in the papers every other day. We might as well ride the wave to the beach. We will have Davey doing a presentation for us at Davos next year. Candice is running a workshop for billionaires’ wives there as well. On how to cope with push-back and hate speech from the plebs. Candice is killing them on Triple M, so we are simply cashing in, again. Just like they do. Of course, he will have to take time off from his eighteen media gigs.
DW: And the money will be handy, what with our thirty million dollar beach house in the Bahamas to pay off.
Q: Pat, I see that Travis Head has Covid. Will he be okay for the Test?
PC: Sure, he’s fine. The era of Covid exceptionalism is well and truly over, as my good mate Daniel Andrews announced. At least, for the time being. We have already had some seminars on Disease X, but all good for Travis. Going forward. No need for him to sit separately from the rest of us. We’ve all had it, anyway. We generally get it just after every booster. I say to the cricketing youngsters of Australia, get jabbed! In any case, Travis is one of our eight co-captains, so the playing group really needs him out there.
Q: The South African tour of New Zealand. They are sending the D team there. What gives?
PC: Well, we have a tour there too. We might need to rest a few players. You know, with the IPL coming up. Usman, of course, has to take some time out over Gaza distress. See how we go. All credit to South Africa for safeguarding their white ball stuff.
Q: Glenn Maxwell has been on the turps again. Crashing in Adelaide. Ambulance, and all. Thoughts?
NC: Glenn is on an alcohol management plan. If only he knew he was.
Q: Is it true that the welcome to country at the start of Tests is to be extended to an hour in length?
PC: Yes. Three quarters of an hour just wasn’t long enough.
Q: Pat, is there any truth to the rumour that you are going into politics?
PC: No need to, mate. I am already in politics. And the money is good here. I have a mortgage, you know. Haven’t you heard about the cost-of-living crisis? Do try to keep up.
Q: Should we move Australia Day?
PC: Well, you know my views. 26 January is Invasion Day. We all know that. We all love Australia, but we don’t know why any more. It is above my pay grade. But that doesn’t stop me from endlessly venting about it. It is what clueless cricketers do. Nick?
NH: What he said.
Q: There has been some pushback against the omission of a Sheffield Shield star, Cameron Bancroft, from the opening batsman role in the Test team. He has made a mountain of runs, and he is a specialist opening batsman. Any comments?
PC: Batsman? What is a batsman? I am not familiar with that word. We say batter now, mate. I think that’s what you meant to say. And sorry, what is the Sheffield Shield to which you refer? I spoke to Cameron on the phone, of course. All good. He’ll be right. Does he have a contract, Nick?
Q: Are there too many meaningless white ball games now?
NH: Good Lord, no. They keep the game going. They provide the dosh so we can continue to support real cricket.
Q: But it doesn’t. Real cricket is going down the gurgler. Because of your doings. Do you even know what real cricket is, any more?
NH: Next question.
Q: What are you doing about the decline of Test cricket?
NH: Well, we have been trying to kill Test cricket for years. We have been nudging the plebs towards white ball, forever. That is where the action is. We are screwing the Sheffield Shield in any way we can. Stop the Test guys playing it, for example. Forcing Test batters to rest. Forcing everyone else to rest. Send them off to a diversity training camp. Anything to keep them from playing Sheffield Shield. Scheduling two months of wall-to-wall Big Bash all through peak summer. Encouraging our players to play as many gambling-driven T20 comps as they can. India. Dubai. Cape Town. Las Vegas. Anywhere! And we keep having second rate opponents visiting each summer, where we keep on winning endlessly. The punters love that. But we know we need to help these other countries. We know that our good mate, Airbus Albo – we have given him endless commentating opportunities over the summer to shore up his vote after the racist outcome to the voice referendum – is giving nearly a billion of taxpayer money to help PNG get a rugby league team into the NRL. So, we are going to put it to the Government that they should give a billion or so to each of the Test cricket playing countries to help them field better teams to come here. So the Tests go more than three days. We think the Aussie cricket fans will love this.
Q: Mr Baird, you recently upbraided politicians for losing touch with the voters. Any lessons there for Cricket Australia?
MB: Oh sure. We are forever keeping tabs on the thinking of the common, black, lesbian woman. We know how much the common folk support our progressive stances, for example. They love the pink test. That’s about same sex marriage, isn’t it? Even the Pope’s on-side there. We know the people support our endless, tedious, corporate virtue signalling. Climate, Indigenous, energy, Australia Day, and the rest. We are close to the pulse. Eyeballs over the target. And occasionally we even think about cricket!
Q: What about Cricket Australia’s push into the United States?
MB: Well, that is going well. More T20 franchises, of course. And so long at Uncle Joe gets back in come November, we should be right there. We are Never Trumpers here! We will get Kevin Rudd on to that. Kevvy! The Ambassador, I know, is on side.
Q: Any chance of a Big Bash League in China?
NH: We are already all over that. The Shanghai Big Bash is on the cards, for sure. I think Danny’s new China-focused business venture will be taking this forward. You know, he has good contacts there. What with his superb performance on delivering the Commonwealth Games, we are confident he will deliver on this too. Don’t listen to Dawn Fraser. Embittered old white woman. What would she know?
Q: What about an indoor T20 in Davos in January ’25?
MB: Why not? We hadn’t thought of that. There would certainly be alignment with our corporate values. And we want to change cricket from a game with grace and traditions into a global corporate money-making machine, where everyone forgets about the awful past, with its Bradmans and Trumpers and Nobles and Graces and Sobers, and focuses on a utopian, post-colonial, globalist future. Cricket was, after all, an imperialist distraction that allowed evil, first world powers to crush the world’s oppressed. We align with the Great Reset. Our core business is the great cricket reset. Haven’t you got that yet?
Q: Mike, weren’t you once a member of the Liberal Party?
MB: The Liberal Party? What’s that? Pat?
PC: I think I’ll be talking to the Teals when I retire.
Paul Collits
25 January 2024
Fabulously done!!
This would be hilarious if it wasn't so true and depressing.